Single Parents and Dating:

Finding the Right Balance

by By Alisa Ruby Bash, MFT

Let's face it: being a single parent is complicated. Finding time to juggle the responsibilities of work, children, friends and finances is almost all anyone can handle. For many single parents, the idea of risking your feelings, and your children's feelings, is frightening. But you deserve to find love and share your life with a partner if that is what you desire. Remaining single may be the best option for some, but for those who do seek a mate, here are some helpful hints. 1. Make Yourself A Priority In order to participate in a relationship and be a role model for your kids, you must take some time to reconnect with yourself and have some fun. Ask friends or family for support, or hire a babysitter. Give yourself several chances each week to relax, go to the gym, go for a walk, get a cup of coffee, do yoga, whatever simple pleasures make you feel calm and centered. You will be happier and healthier. 2. Where Do I Meet Someone? Date people that friends, family, teachers or coworkers can vouch for. If those resources have been exhausted, you have other options. Try a class, support group, religiously-affiliated meeting, exercise class or book club. Websites for single parents help you find someone who can empathize with your experience. Have a strict screening process before even talking to someone on the phone. Do not meet someone for coffee until you have had several good phone conversations and feel that this person is a good candidate. Make a reasonable list of basic standards for your dates, and do not break them. 3. When Do I Tell My Kids I'm Dating Someone? Although it can be tempting to talk about your dates with your children, don't. You have a right to a private life and it can be confusing or frightening for children to see their parents dating. Tell them you are going out with a friend. After a more committed relationship has been established, introduce the new partner slowly to your children with short, fun activities. After six months, or when a relationship has reached a more serious stage, introduce your partner to your children as your boyfriend/girlfriend. 4. What If My Kids Hate My Mate? It is common for children to experience conflicting emotions when meeting their parent's new partner. Often, kids feel angry, betrayed, even guilty if close with the other parent, and secretly wish their parents would be together again. Make time to discuss your children's feelings and to let them know that all of their thoughts are valid. Avoiding the subject due to a fear of conflict will only escalate the problems. If you and your children have fully explored these feelings, and they still genuinely dislike your partner, try to understand what it is that they dislike. Listen to their concerns and deeply question what has happened to cause these feelings. If the personality conflicts do not resolve themselves and you consider marriage, there are resources to help blended families. 5. Your Kids Come First Make sure that your children, and your dates, understand that your children are your first priority. Emphasize to your children your permanent bond and undying love for them. Explain that even though once in a while partners can change, you will always be their parent, they will always come first and that you love them more than anyone else. Kids need to hear and feel this. Your dates will need to be prepped around date number two or three that your kids are the most important thing to you. You will know soon who is able to come along for the ride after this conversation. Your journey into the dating world will be full of ups and downs until you do meet the next right One. Remember, you have plenty of love in your life and your time is precious. Try to find the gem within each date and use it as a learning experience on the road to finding true love. Alisa Ruby Bash, L.M.F.T., is in private practice in Beverly Hills. www.alisarubybash.com.