Turn Your Granddaughter into a Football Fan

Tips from Xtreme Grandparents!

by Rubin Carson and Marilynn Record

With football season upon us, millions of grandparents will confront the problem of turning a grandkid into the raving football junkie they've always dreamed of. Grandsons are no problem, but it's always a can of worms with granddaughters. Here's how I do it:

1. Choose a team with a mascot you know a girl will fall in love with. Don't even think of that UCLA biology major who trips all over himself in a bear costume. Ergo, it has to be USC's purebred, Arabian stallion Traveler. Girls have a genetic addiction to horses. Why? Ask the biology major in that moth-eaten bear get-up.

2. Girls are social beings and won't make a move without a best friend, so invite one. Do not tell best friend that she's being taken to a game. Instead, say you're going to watch this hunk who wears a brass helmet and iron skirt gallop around the track on this gorgeous white stallion. Trust me, she'll look forward to it more than anything by Disney.

3. Fashion statements are next. Take granddaughter plus friend to Bloomie's or Nordstrom's and locate junior miss department. You'll find a half floor devoted to football paraphernalia. Purchase a) sets of cheerleader outfits appropriate for hot and cold weather. b) computerized shoes that flash school colors. c) sun visors that play "fight song" when weather hits 80 degrees. And, d) Prada pom poms with non-slip alligator hand grips. Take heart. You've spent a fortune but they won't fit in a year and be perfect for next year's granddaughter.

4. You arrive at game site but do not enter immediately. Wend your way to tunnel entrance where Traveler is stabled. Your object of desire is standing there with his Braveheart rider, posing for photos with lines of adoring children. Have camera and carrots ready. Once they've fed this noble beast and are photographed doing it, they'll never be the same again. Think Academy Award time.

5. During game, don't get upset if they're not watching it. They'll spend every other minute asking when Traveler is going to gallop around the field again. When you inform them only when Trojans score a touchdown, they start observing what our gallant heroes have to do to get one. After fifteen years of repeating above, they'll ignore Traveler completely. All they do is expect touchdowns while criticizing coach, players, recruiters, et al when team fails to score one. As if by magic, they become a mirror image of the dyspeptic, perpetually dissatisfied kvetch you are.

Congratulations. You've turned your granddaughter into that darling football nut you've always dreamed of.